Don’t Just Talk About the Work. Talk About HOW You Work Together.

Designing the Relationship, Not Just the Work

When I start a relationship with a partner organization or a client, I like to ask two questions: What would be the best outcome of our work together? And what could go wrong?

I ask the second question not because I’m a pessimist, but because in every relationship, there will inevitably be conflict. And things never go exactly as planned. Often, they turn out even better than we hoped. But in a world of increasing uncertainty, many things don’t go the way we intended.

And that will inevitably lead to conflict.

What if we addressed that head-on at the beginning of a relationship? What if, in addition to signing contracts that outline deliverables, timelines, and payment terms, we also talked about how we were going to work together? How and when we would check in on the relationship. How and when we would give and receive feedback.

If you design the process of working together, not just the work, you increase the likelihood of weathering unexpected outcomes.

The process should:

• Have a clear purpose: Are we aligned on shared goals? What is the ultimate reason we’re working together?

• Consider the environment: Does my partner prefer phone calls? In-person meetings over coffee? How might paying attention to the environment of our interactions improve our relationship?

• Manage interpersonal dynamics: Does this person prefer to receive feedback in real-time or in writing before a conversation? Have I told them how I prefer to receive feedback?

• Create space for dissent: Disagreement is inevitable. Building in opportunities for disagreement and agreeing on how it will be addressed is essential.

Research backs this up. For example:

• A qualitative study of a multi-partner public-health collaboration found that trust was built and sustained when relational mechanisms (commitment to a shared aim, shared norms and values) aligned with structural mechanisms (governance, shared decision-making) (Krczal and Behrens, 2024).

• Research on organizational conflict and trust shows that constructive conflict management and mutual trust are deeply interconnected; when you agree on how to navigate disagreement, trust grows (Elgoibar et al., 2021).

• A longitudinal study of inter-firm disputes found that contracts emphasizing coordination (not just control) helped sustain collaboration and trust. Designing how you’ll work together matters (Malhotra and Lumineau, 2011).

In other words, the HOW matters as much, if not more than, the WHAT. Process design is not a “nice-to-have.” It’s foundational to trust and to navigating the best and worst outcomes, and everything in between.

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