Are You Listening?
Most of us listen to reply, not to understand. Here’s why slowing down and asking better questions changes everything.
Most of us think we are listening. But we're really just trying to predict the end of the sentence so we can respond. Conversation researchers who study turn-taking have found that people often jump in about 200 milliseconds after the other person stops, which is faster than it takes to fully process what was said. That means we were already planning our response while the other person was still talking (Levinson and Torreira, 2015).
That habit is human, but it is not great leadership.
Workplace listening research shows that when people experience high quality listening, they report feeling more valued, more secure, and more willing to be open. In organizations, good listening is linked to better relationships, job attitudes and performance (Kluger and Itzchakov, 2022). Studies that compare active listening to giving advice find that the people who were listened to felt more understood than the people who got advice (Weger, et al., 2014). And research on high-quality listening shows that it reduces defensiveness and increases attitude clarity. In other words, people think more clearly when we listen well (Itzchakov et al., 2017).
This is why one of the most powerful management moves you can make is to slow the conversation down and ask a good question.
Why managers should lead with questions
It helps your staff person feel heard and respected. When you ask, “Tell me more about what happened,” or “What felt off to you in that meeting,” you are signaling that their experience matters. This is the foundation of psychological safety and engagement. People who feel heard are more likely to stay in the conversation and less likely to walk away frustrated (Kriz et al., 2021)
It helps you actually understand the situation. Because we are prone to listen in order to reply, not to understand, we often act on partial information. Questions like “What else should I know,” “Who else is involved,” or “What outcome were you hoping for” force our brains to stay in listening mode and give us the context we need to make a good call. Research on listening at work shows that this kind of attention improves the quality of information that flows to leaders (Kluger and Itzchakov, 2022).
It helps people think more deeply. High quality listening lowers social anxiety and makes people more willing to examine their own thinking. That is exactly what we want when someone has made a quick statement that is not fully thought through. Questions like “What led you to that conclusion,” “What problem are you actually trying to solve,” or “If this did not work, what would be the risk” invite the other person to clarify their position. Studies show that when people are listened to in this way they become more aware of inconsistencies in their own attitudes. That awareness makes change possible (Itzchakov et al., 2020).
Here are a few steps you can take to improve your listening this week:
Buy yourself three seconds. When the other person finishes, count to three before speaking. This interrupts the 200 millisecond reflex to jump in and signals patience.
Start with “what” or “how.” “What happened after that,” “How did the team respond,” “What makes this urgent today?” These open questions keep the staff person talking and give you a fuller picture.
Close with one accountability question. “What do you need from me?” or “What will you do next?” This keeps the conversation from becoming venting and turns it into problem-solving
If you want your team to bring you better thinking, give them better listening. The research tells us that people think more clearly and creatively when someone is truly listening. Your questions are what create that space for their best thinking to emerge.
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