We know we need to listen. But it's just so hard! Why?
We’ve all been there.
In the middle of a conversation with our direct report, we realize we haven't been listening at all. We've been thinking about our next meeting, processing a difficult conversation earlier that day, or thinking about what to cook for dinner.
Or, we find ourselves jumping in with a quick solution when our colleague brings a problem to us, only to hear that they've tried it already and it didn't work.
And we all know intuitively that we need to listen. We ask other people to listen to us and get so frustrated when they don't.
So why is it so hard? Here are a few reasons:
Cognitive overload: We can think faster than others speak, so often our minds wander. And we have so much on our minds, that it's easy to be thinking about something else.
We want to solve the problem: Whether it comes from a genuine place of wanting to be helpful, or wanting to get the conversation over with so we can move on to the next thing, we are tempted to offer quick solutions without fully understanding the problem.
We worry that listening implies agreement: If we're speaking with a direct report who's trying to convince us to do something that we disagree with, we might avoid listening because we don't want to signal that we agree. We worry that engaging in the conversation and asking questions might seem like we agree with everything they're saying.
Here are a few evidence-based tips to overcome these barriers.
Cognitive Overload --> Paraphrase what the person is saying: By forcing yourself to repeat back what you've heard, you're more likely to stay present in the conversation. And by doing so, you help the person feel heard.
Wanting to fix --> Ask clarifying questions: This might seem like an obvious recommendation,but it's so easy not to do this. If you're finding this hard to do, try giving yourself a minimum number of questions that you want to reach before sharing with the person what you perceive is the problem.
Worrying about appearing to agree --> Clarify that your goal is to understand their perspective: Say "I want to ensure I understand your perspective on this" or "I want to make sure I have all the information about this.”
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